30 Reasons to Reject The Matrix
1.The Wachowskis killed Jesus
Neo dies.
So let me get this straight. Neo dies and is resurrected in the original film, as a symbol of Christ's sacrifice to save mankind, the Wachowskis being in love with the idea of religious symbolism in their kung fu movies (notice that Morpheus wears sunglasses without earpieces, just like Allah).
According to them, therefore, Jesus, having been resurrected and taking his place as an invulnerable deity on Earth, will later die again in order to accomplish the exact same thing we all thought he had accomplished the first time around. I guess it's a good thing for us lost souls that your so-called "God" doesn't need sequels.
2.It's like rooting for the Cubs...
The Matrix survives. The machines are not defeated.
After spending every second of the first two films setting up the machines as evil, murderous slavemasters with predatory dreadlocked sentinels slithering through the darkness, we're forced to buy into a truce between man and machine in the last scene?
And what about the little girl in the film, supposedly the first love child merging man and machine? Does this not imply a thankfully-unseen man and sentinel sex scene, with a nude man, shall we say, "interfacing" with its so-called "female data port" using his "boner?"
3. He caught her! Oh, wait...
Trinity dies.
Boy, it's a good thing they based the entire second film around Neo keeping her alive. That was more than worth it. But don't worry, Trinity fans; your girl gets the same noble death as Cpl. Hicks in Alien 3.
Come to think of it, these films are like real life.
4. War crimes
Seraph is revealed to be a former one, as most of us guessed by his stand-off fight with Neo. What is not mentioned is that this man is also responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Zionites in some previous incarnation of The Matrix since he obviously chose the other door in The Architect's TV shop.
Why was he not punished for causing this slaughter? And, being Japanese, we must ask if he pleasured himself at the thought of all that death?
5. There's the Matrix! Shoot it!
Great plan for defending Zion, using those mechs to try to shoot the sentinels out of the air using machine guns, a technology available since 1939. I mean, there's no reason in the world to set up EMP devices around the perimeter...
Wait a second. Where did the humans get the Mechs? Or the ships? If these are leftover scraps from the great war between machines and man, how could they continually hold off the same force that defeated the original army at full strength? Maybe the Merovingian isn't the only machine who's also French.
6. Neo is burning down the prom!
So we find out Neo was able to defeat the sentinels in Reloaded through a vague kind of telekinesis (you should have known, from the well-bent spoon handed to Neo by his young stalker in Zion). That would be fine, except there is no such thing as telekinesis. Here's proof: try to bend a nearby object with your mind.
See? You can't. Now try to shut down the nearest robot using the same method. Simply impossible.
7. I'm dreaming of a white... cast?
Two actors were abruptly cut from the third film's cast before production ended, both female minorities. Coincidence?
Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for Revolutions. What's wrong, guys? They didn't test well with the predominantly white Matrix audiences?
Neither actress could be reached for comment.
8. More weird religosity...
So Agent Smith takes a human body, and the first thing we see him do is cut his palms, presumably in order to punish himself for his newfound masturbation ability? Bizarre.
9. "She was not kissing your face..."
So they base a whole scene in Reloaded between the Merovingian and Persephone around his having lipstick on his anus due to a ladies' room rimjob?
I think I'll skip the Reloaded DVD deleted scenes, thank you very much.
10. The Matrix Murders
The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequels?
In fact, the only reason the U.S. Attorney General did not press murder charges against the filmmakers is because the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity.
11. The aborted American dream
Warner Bros. devoted $300 million to the production of the two Matrix sequels.
In the time the films have been in production, over one thousand American children will have died of starvation. For the cost of these films, each of those children could have been given one million dollars.
12. Would You Like some Chicken with your Destiny?
In what had to be the most ridiculous product placement deal in history, Kentucky Fried Chicken paid Warner Bros. over $30 million to cast mascot Colonel Sanders as the Architect in the sequels.
"Finger-lickin' good?" I think that after this trilogy is finished, Matrix fans will be "licking their fingers" in disappointment.
13. Reloaded Ridiculousness
Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off.
14. Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time!
Can we please have just one major studio movie without a trick ending? I won't reveal it because some of you have requested that I not, but Revolutions has a shocking surprise near the end that the studio has bent over backwards (probably in slow-motion, while dodging bullets) to conceal. All I'll say is that it has to do with the surprise return of a certain treacherous character who we all thought was dead in the first film. Can any of you decipher what I'm saying here?
15.. Reloaded Ridiculousness, 2
The machines added two new enemies for Neo in Reloaded, called the Twins. Their first priority is to blend discreetly into the simulated world of the Matrix, to walk among the people unnoticed. So of course the Matrix made them huge albino men with bleach-white dreadlocks who occasionally transform into shrieking wraiths.
"What's that, honey?"
"Oh, nothing. It just looks like a simple Kung-Fu Swedish Rastafarian Helldemon. I'm sure there's no need to question our fragile, sheltered grasp of 'reality' as we know it."
16. The Matrix: Reconsidered
But the first film was great art, you say?
In the spoon-bending scene, watch closely. First we see Neo bend the spoon almost into a "U" shape... now watch carefully (freeze-frame it, for you DVD owners). A second later it's back to its normal shape again. Ironic that a film meant for no-attention-span kids also had a no-attention-span editor.
17. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 2
After they sucked the "bug" out of Neo's abdomen, where was the gaping bloody hole the thing should have left? Even if Trinity had the medical training to re-tie the knot in his navel, we certainly didn't see her do it.
18. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 3
In the same scene, the "bug" is casually discarded in the street. Better hope no one comes along and steps on the squirming, burrowing thing with their bare feet.
19. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4
You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.
Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering.
20. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 5
Neo can move faster than sound, yet can't move blindingly through bullet time and simply disarm the security guards rather than slaughtering them? It looks like Neo learned his disarming techniques from George W. Bush.
21. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 6
Neo and his crew can generate an infinite number of guns in the construct, but can't come up with non-lethal weapons such as long-range tasers and sleeping gas?
Would not the "exciting" skyscraper shootout have been just as exciting if the two had been armed with the Vomit Sticks from Minority Report? Or are these lives not worth saving?
22. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 7
You are a hard-working single mother, making ends meet by doing time as a secretary in an office building during the day, a drug-store clerk in the evenings. You are on the office phone with the babysitter one quiet Wednesday afternoon, telling her how to calm little Dakota down, to get her to stop crying her eyes out asking why Mommy is never home, telling her that you'll be there soon, honey.
A split-second later your head is severed by a shattered helicopter rotor blade, the skull bouncing off a nearby wall, leaving a spray of arterial blood on a motivational poster. Your eyes bulge wide, your brain inside remaining alive just long enough to recognize the horror of your fate. Aviation fuel splashes in through the shattered windows and ignites, incinerating mothers, husbands, fathers, best friends.
And somewhere, a theater full of young, chubby males cheers because Trinity made it out before the crash.
23. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 8
"If you wanna give me that juris-my-DICK-tion crap, you can kiss my ass."
24. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 9
You infiltrate a building to rescue a hostage who you can't afford to lose. Either his death, or your own death, would have unimaginable consequences for the entire living world. So, once you're inside and riding up the lift, it's a good idea to go ahead and set the building on fire by dropping a bomb on the first floor.
25. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 10
It's the film's climactic battle between Agent Smith and Neo. It begins with Agent Smith walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run. But no; he stands and fights.
They fight for what seems like an hour, back and forth, an epic battle of good and evil. Neo takes a beating, comes back, finds his courage, becomes The One. He goes toe-to-toe with the baddest of the bad. After this long, choreographed, pivotal moment of the film, Agent Smith is left...
...walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run.
He runs.
Excuse me, ticket lady? I'd like a refund of the last fifteen minutes of my life. It would be like if at the end of Rocky, after sitting through the whole film, the main character just lost the fight anyway.
26. Excuse me?
"I hate this place, this... zoo. It's the smelt."
27. By their fruits ye shall know them
I had attended a showing of The Matrix in May of 1999 with a lady friend, because we are both big Morgan Freeman fans. An hour into the film, as I observed what dreck we were wading in, I walked up and stood before the screen and tried to explain to the audience that this vomitus was below their dignity.
I was greeted by some of the most vulgar insults imaginable, until some began throwing objects and one man even knocked my pipe from my hand. Do you wish to be associated with a group of such character?
28. By their fruits ye shall know the staff, too
After the above incident, I was the one asked to leave.
29. The Matrix: Reconsidered further
If you need to get in touch with a person, you can simply call them at their office. You do not need to actually mail the phone to them.
30. Two words:
Keanu Reeves.
source: http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com
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